Memories

Hey there.

It's been a while since I last took a look at my old blog, which I had on wordpress. It was funny to read, but it was also hard. All the memories and the past feelings that I had came crashing down on me and I could slowly feel my chest heavier, my lungs struggling to fill with air. It's strange. How everything changes so fast. How we don't notice it unless we look back, unless we glance at those times when we were kids and we were so... naive. And we were mean and karma hit us pretty badly and we learned what it was like to bleed and to turn our skin from porcelain, to ivory, to steel.

You look back and you realize than even though you've changed plenty and even though you don't miss who you were and how things used to be, you do miss it. And you do long for those days when you could be naive and stupid and rejoice in the process of growing up. Because although the process hurts, you can endure and deal with the consequences that don't last. But now that you're supposed to have grown up quite a bit, now that the consequences are more permanent and that friends matter, stupidity is no longer put up with, now that you should not be mean, but forgiving, how are you supposed to be naive? I do miss those times. But I don't miss them at all.

I am grateful to life for making me go through difficult situations, because now I can be more mature, while I can indulge and be retarded, stupid, free and reckless as well. Now I know how to hang with the people that I like, I know how not to lie and how not to speak badly. But the memories still give me chills. The speed at which time passes still frightens me. The fact that it could all be gone in a second makes me want to be able to make time stop. One summer. Over and over again. With the people that you care about. With your parents. With your whole family. Everyone sane. Everyone healthy. Everyone alive and together. Travelling. Staying still. Enjoying living. Why can't that happen? I'd enjoy not crying. I'd enjoy not remembering and dreading the memory of last year, of today, of tomorrow and of the summer that is knocking at our doors.

I'd give anything for time to freeze, for us to be stuck right in this moment, for us to never move from each other's side. That's where I'd like to stay. By their side. Seizing the days and laughing. Laughing until we can't breathe. Just that. I'd be happy with just that.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.” 
― Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

Allexa.

Boredom.

Hello to you too, world !

I know it has been quite a while since I last posted, but I've been really tired, in no disposition to share my thoughts, very bored and also very mad at times. This is going to be a rant post that could be useful for some of you. Later tonight I might even post something really inpiring, who knows. We shall see.

Until then, let me tell you that I do not enjoy going to school at all, even though I do like eating more. For some reason, I can't get any eating done at home. Back on the subject, people seem to have groups and actually have fun talking, laughing, living life. On the other hand, I, who claimed to like going through the day, to hold onto some hope, find myself surrounded in misery as I feel lost and not on the right track to finding what it is that I'm looking for. Moreover, I have been trying to focus on only what's important for me and what will matter when I go to college, but it seems to me that my teachers have something else planned. I had to go to the first phase of the maths olimpiada against my will as I did not want to upset my teacher and had to go to the phisycs one as well so as not to fail my class [ might I add that the phisycs teacher signed me up for the competition late and I could have not participated at all, but he just had to put my name on that list, didn't he? ]. Now I have to tell the maths teacher I won't be going to the next phase, as it will be at the same time with the English one. I definetely choose the English contest.! I won't make a fool of myself.

Going on, I have been taking the graphics class more seriously as just a few days ago I realised how difficult the admission exam for the Architecture Uni really is. I had a little bit of a breakdown at first, but then I told myself to work as hard as I can. Apart from that, after watching a couple of movies and a TV series, I also said to myself to start trying to do silly things with the people that I can do it with. No whining. It's not going to make anything better. And no second thoughts. Those are no good for certain !

Life is not that great nowadays and really small things can make me cry. The other day I hurt my finger while closing the car door and there was this tiny whole in it just after the accident. I started crying and then I continued crying not only for that, but also for no toilet paper in the bathroom, for my messy hair, for the awful teachers at school, for friends, for no boyfriends, for ex-friends and ex-boyfriends. 

If you hold your tears for too long, one day you'll end up crying for all of the bad things anyway, so you should just let it out when you have the opporunity. I know that now.

Also this. I have been told countless times that I am tactless or that I don't know how to be a good friend. The last statement is due to my constantly telling people what they want to hear and not what I really think. I don't know why that is. Maybe I just want them to make their own decisions, without me interfeering. Or I just don't want to get too involved, only to be left alone in a crowded room at the end of the day. Nonetheless, I want to have friends, consequently I am going to try to be a better one to those around me. I have to at least try. I owe it to myself and to those who try as well.

Having said all of that, I am going to go back to making plans and trying to live. You should do the same. We only live for so long and even though it's a cliché, in 20 years or more, you will only regret the things you didn't do or didn't try. And if you're going to want to try them then, it's going to be too late.

Have a good Sunday, folks!

Night, 

Alexa.

Hey, Snow!

Hello to you too, Dear Winter !

I don't think I am exagerating when I'm saying that I am completely happy that winter is finally here, that it is finally snowing outside and that the temperatures have finally dropped. I enjoy the cold, the sweaters, the hot chocolate, the warmth of the sheets I sleep in. And I enjoy my boots and Christmas presents and laughs and family and friends. And good grades. 

Today was the last day that I actually went to school. I am looking forward to a three-week winter break, to baking cakes, taking photos, skiing and enjoying wine and hot chocolate. I am also looking forward to Christmas, decorating the X-mas tree and presents and family being together.

This is how the outside looked after the very first snow. Of course now it's not that pretty, but I am confident that it will snow again.

Also, a few days before Chiristmas I'm going to my grandparents' in the countryside and I'll stay there until the 26th. Can't wait, even though it'll be complicated with the computers.

Bye byes,
Allexa.

Sweet sixteen.

Hey there.

They say you don't realise when you change, when you grow up, when everything you have know and you have been is diffrent. And it's true. I am now 16 and I am as diffrent as I can be from a year ago, but I didn't realise it. On the 2nd of December I told myself that that was my last day at 15. I wanted to make it memorable, but I thought of no way of doing so. Why try to live more one day that any other day? So on the 3rd of December, the next day, I wanted to be happy. I wanted to try to not let anything upset me and even though there still were things I didn't like, I felt a little bit better.

A second, a day, a week, a month or a year older, I still want the same things. And I am willing to do better, I am willing to try in order to feel happy. I want to block out the things that don't matter, to focus ont he reality, on its good part and on how I can improve the bad part. I want to enjoy it, even though some days I have little to be pleased about. Crying is a part of life to and if I can't go on anymore, I'll sit down and cry. And then I'll get back up and try. Cause if I stop trying what's left?

This beautiful [ hopefully ] year ahead of me, I want to travel, I want to meet new people and talk talk talk. I want to be close with my family and I want to be a better friend because I realise that sometimes I am not. I want to draw, to write, to learn. I want to laugh, to have fun. I want to have the superfficial happiness of the age. And I want to be a better version of myself.

Please try to make every year matter, every moment. You won't get it back. Even if you're miserable, there are still things that make you a bit happy, like music, books, tea, oranges, hot-chocolate and sweaters, snow. Try to focus on those until life gives you a bigger reason and you to yourself.

I am going to go with a few so-called friends to a small party on Saturday. I have faith that it will be okay and that I will enjoy myself. Also, last Saturday, I my auncle and aunt came by the house and we celebrated my b-day in the family.

On your birthday try to be happy. You don't need to do crazy things, you just need to be with your close ones and try to smile from your heart.

See you,
Allexa.

Oh love

Hey.

I've got a lot of homework for tomorrow, but I have to spend some time for myself. I decided to spend that time thinking about love. What a great thing, right? For the past month I have spent my nights, my spare time and every free second of every single day analizing this thing called love, analizing why relationships sometimes don't work out and even though the answers came easily and they were simple, it was not that easy for me to accept them or be okay with them.

Being stuck on something is no good. Being the only one missing and caring is not, but neither is to pretend to care or to care for the wrong reasons. You have to move on, to leave it behind you. It was something you wanted at some point and it didn't work out for various reasons, but you just have to understand those reasons and to try to change some things about yourself if the case. Don't work yourself up. Just make it simple, ease your heart and let go.

I realised last night that I can just wake up one day and not feel the need to stare again. Today, I almost did. I didn't really feel it anymore. And that felt so good, you can't even imagine. Letting go means being able to focus only on yourself. And today I could. And I realised that I had some issues too, such as being a bit too jealous, thing I'm trying to work on. I've also learned that i felt that way only because I usually lack confidence in myself. So I need to work on that to and be open to the future.

The future holds so much. One day, you just might meet someone special and your heart might just bump really hard because of the happiness. And you'll feel scared. And that person is going to change everything you knew about life. And everything is going to make sense for once. And you'll get scared, but you'll know you have known love. At this age, my opinion is that you can't feel love. You can only care deeply for someone. We're still changing and growing up, so you can't talk about accepting someone withh all their flaws, you can't talk about loving those flaws and staying beside them forever and always.

Love can only come when you are the most you you can be. But that love is so sweet I like to believe.

And because music is like breathing, here's this post's inspiration:

"Oh Love, oh love
Won't you rain on me tonight?
Oh life, oh life
Please don't pass me by
Don't stop, don't stop
Don't stop when the red lights flash
Oh ride, free ride
Won't you take me close to you"

" 'Cause you're such a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty face
But you turned into a pretty big waste of my time"

And yes, I have been infected with Sleeping with Sirens. I love their lyrics and I love their music. You should listen. Now I'm off to doing my homework and whatever I need to do for tomorrow. I have a week full of tests ahead of me.

See you,
Allexa.

The butterfly effect.

Hey there.

This has been a busy week and I can't wait to sleep and sleep and sleep. As I had to learn a lot, I thought about how little things can change our lives forever. Something somebody says, something you see, a smile, a frown, your decision regarding a small thing. All sorts of things. 

This developed in my thinking about The Butterfly Effect [ the first movie, 2004, with Ashton Kutcher ], a beautiful movie about a young man who blocks out harmful memories of significant events of his life. As he grows up, he finds a way to remember these lost memories and a supernatural way to alter his life. The ending is very unexpected, but I really like it. You come to understand the selflessness of the character so well and it sad, but amazing.

Apart from the movie, the butterfly effect is also a theory. In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions, where a small change at one place in a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state.The butterfly effect is a common trope in fiction when presenting scenarios involving time travel and with hypotheses where one storyline diverges at the moment of a seemingly minor event resulting in two significantly different outcomes.

How can you not going to a movie, crossing the street just a few seconds faster, leaving from home 5 minutes later, hearing the alarm clock, doing something or not change your life completely? It actually does and that is the most frightening thing. To know that everything you do matters. Not for the greater purpose, but for the people whose path you meet. It makes you feel so small, yet so big. And it scares me to death. 

Sometimes I'd like to go back in time and change something that I've done, but other times, I think of where I am right now, I am happy with it and I realise that I wouldn't be here without those choices.

I am going to sleep now, as this the part of the day that I've been looking forward to the most. 

Night,

Allexa.

Fear.

Hei you guys.

The last couple of weeks have been hard for me, from different reasons. One is school, as I have been either afraid to start studying for something or afarid to screw it all up, afraid of not being good enough. The second reason is the fact that I either stare too much or run. I have to start being okay with it. I have to start living in the present. And I have started to feel better, but I am afraid.

This fear is like the fear of heights... or the fear of being alone, the fear of what's out there, because in reality, us humans are so tiny. All kinds of fear.

And this is how i feel when I am scared, like crashing something.

Also, two episodes of The Vampire Diaries have already aired and the Delena moments are flawless, as is the soundtrack. This plays while Elena drink blood from Damon:

I've been listening to it the whole day.

"Just don't tell Stefan."
"Why?"
"Because blod sharing is kind of... personal."

-Allexa.

Kiss me...

Hei guys.

Even though ever since school started I haven't had too much time for miyself, for having fun or for sleeping, I've been able to listen to music all the time. As a result, and with Bii's help, I've found a lot of songs named "Kiss me". Here they are:

"Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight

Lead me out on the moonlit floor

Lift your open hand

Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance

Silver moon's sparkling

So kiss me"

"Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love 
Falling in love
We're falling in love"

"Well, I'm not sure what this is gonna be,
But with my eyes closed all I see
Is the skyline, through the window,
The moon above you and the streets below.
Hold my breath as you're moving in,
Taste your lips and feel your skin.
When the time comes, baby don't run, just kiss me slowly."

Yap, by lots I mean three, but these are awesome songs! You should really listen to them. Here's yet another one, whose title isn't kiss me, but whose lyrics do.

"But if I kissed you
Will your mouth read this truth?
Darling, how I miss you.
Strawberries taste how lips do."

Now, I'm off to sleep. Tomorrow, it's Friday. Can't waaait.

Allexa.

First day back at the Business of Misery

Hei there.

I am calling today the first day back to school as yesterday we only got our schedule/timetable and "reserved" our sits. I remember how a couple of weeks ago I was really excited about school starting, but now that today is finished I can say I could've done with another break for let's say a month. The classes weren't that hard, but I haven't got used to learning and paying attention yet and the new psychology teacher, the maths, the chemistry and the french one aren't helping.

Apart from that, I have to see everyone and I have to pretend so that no-one asks questions. It's hard, but I guess it makes me strong, even though right now I can't feel it. Faking a smile isn't good. Faking your shitty mood into a good one isn't healthy, but you got to do it, right? If you can hang in there, so can I.

Let's hope for the best ! Until then, shut up and listen:

Night,
Allexa.

Lookbook. One tree hill.

Hei.

I haven't been on lookbook.nu for quite a while now and I can say that I missed it lots. Yesterday was the first autumnish day and I felt like scooping for looks that fitted the cold weather and my cozy mood. Here's what I found:

There weren't more recent ones so I had to do with these, but they'e pretty awesome, you know!

For a few days now I've been watching One Tree Hill and I've already got to season 2, episode 15. I can say that I absolutely don't like some characters, but love others. It's just the messed up story of a few teenagers, but I like the way it's told. You should definitely watch! Here's the intro song:

Other than that, I can't wait to go out and wear warm clothes. School starts tomorrow and, even though I've been saying that I can't wait for it to start, I fear it because of all sorts of things and I want to put it off as much as I can, but that's not possible. So I just have to put the badges that are going to arrive on Tuesday on my backpack, enjoy my pencase, designed just yesterday aaand learn as much as I can. I'm going to have to look past everything else, otherwise I won't be able to take it. You may not know what I'm talking about, but you know that at school we see everyone, not only the people we want to. Maybe that'll help you figure it out ! xD

I'll go to sleep tonight and hope for the best. May this be a good school year!!

See you, 

Allexa.