Memories

Hey there.

It's been a while since I last took a look at my old blog, which I had on wordpress. It was funny to read, but it was also hard. All the memories and the past feelings that I had came crashing down on me and I could slowly feel my chest heavier, my lungs struggling to fill with air. It's strange. How everything changes so fast. How we don't notice it unless we look back, unless we glance at those times when we were kids and we were so... naive. And we were mean and karma hit us pretty badly and we learned what it was like to bleed and to turn our skin from porcelain, to ivory, to steel.

You look back and you realize than even though you've changed plenty and even though you don't miss who you were and how things used to be, you do miss it. And you do long for those days when you could be naive and stupid and rejoice in the process of growing up. Because although the process hurts, you can endure and deal with the consequences that don't last. But now that you're supposed to have grown up quite a bit, now that the consequences are more permanent and that friends matter, stupidity is no longer put up with, now that you should not be mean, but forgiving, how are you supposed to be naive? I do miss those times. But I don't miss them at all.

I am grateful to life for making me go through difficult situations, because now I can be more mature, while I can indulge and be retarded, stupid, free and reckless as well. Now I know how to hang with the people that I like, I know how not to lie and how not to speak badly. But the memories still give me chills. The speed at which time passes still frightens me. The fact that it could all be gone in a second makes me want to be able to make time stop. One summer. Over and over again. With the people that you care about. With your parents. With your whole family. Everyone sane. Everyone healthy. Everyone alive and together. Travelling. Staying still. Enjoying living. Why can't that happen? I'd enjoy not crying. I'd enjoy not remembering and dreading the memory of last year, of today, of tomorrow and of the summer that is knocking at our doors.

I'd give anything for time to freeze, for us to be stuck right in this moment, for us to never move from each other's side. That's where I'd like to stay. By their side. Seizing the days and laughing. Laughing until we can't breathe. Just that. I'd be happy with just that.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.” 
― Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

Allexa.

Oh love

Hey.

I've got a lot of homework for tomorrow, but I have to spend some time for myself. I decided to spend that time thinking about love. What a great thing, right? For the past month I have spent my nights, my spare time and every free second of every single day analizing this thing called love, analizing why relationships sometimes don't work out and even though the answers came easily and they were simple, it was not that easy for me to accept them or be okay with them.

Being stuck on something is no good. Being the only one missing and caring is not, but neither is to pretend to care or to care for the wrong reasons. You have to move on, to leave it behind you. It was something you wanted at some point and it didn't work out for various reasons, but you just have to understand those reasons and to try to change some things about yourself if the case. Don't work yourself up. Just make it simple, ease your heart and let go.

I realised last night that I can just wake up one day and not feel the need to stare again. Today, I almost did. I didn't really feel it anymore. And that felt so good, you can't even imagine. Letting go means being able to focus only on yourself. And today I could. And I realised that I had some issues too, such as being a bit too jealous, thing I'm trying to work on. I've also learned that i felt that way only because I usually lack confidence in myself. So I need to work on that to and be open to the future.

The future holds so much. One day, you just might meet someone special and your heart might just bump really hard because of the happiness. And you'll feel scared. And that person is going to change everything you knew about life. And everything is going to make sense for once. And you'll get scared, but you'll know you have known love. At this age, my opinion is that you can't feel love. You can only care deeply for someone. We're still changing and growing up, so you can't talk about accepting someone withh all their flaws, you can't talk about loving those flaws and staying beside them forever and always.

Love can only come when you are the most you you can be. But that love is so sweet I like to believe.

And because music is like breathing, here's this post's inspiration:

"Oh Love, oh love
Won't you rain on me tonight?
Oh life, oh life
Please don't pass me by
Don't stop, don't stop
Don't stop when the red lights flash
Oh ride, free ride
Won't you take me close to you"

" 'Cause you're such a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty face
But you turned into a pretty big waste of my time"

And yes, I have been infected with Sleeping with Sirens. I love their lyrics and I love their music. You should listen. Now I'm off to doing my homework and whatever I need to do for tomorrow. I have a week full of tests ahead of me.

See you,
Allexa.

The butterfly effect.

Hey there.

This has been a busy week and I can't wait to sleep and sleep and sleep. As I had to learn a lot, I thought about how little things can change our lives forever. Something somebody says, something you see, a smile, a frown, your decision regarding a small thing. All sorts of things. 

This developed in my thinking about The Butterfly Effect [ the first movie, 2004, with Ashton Kutcher ], a beautiful movie about a young man who blocks out harmful memories of significant events of his life. As he grows up, he finds a way to remember these lost memories and a supernatural way to alter his life. The ending is very unexpected, but I really like it. You come to understand the selflessness of the character so well and it sad, but amazing.

Apart from the movie, the butterfly effect is also a theory. In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions, where a small change at one place in a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state.The butterfly effect is a common trope in fiction when presenting scenarios involving time travel and with hypotheses where one storyline diverges at the moment of a seemingly minor event resulting in two significantly different outcomes.

How can you not going to a movie, crossing the street just a few seconds faster, leaving from home 5 minutes later, hearing the alarm clock, doing something or not change your life completely? It actually does and that is the most frightening thing. To know that everything you do matters. Not for the greater purpose, but for the people whose path you meet. It makes you feel so small, yet so big. And it scares me to death. 

Sometimes I'd like to go back in time and change something that I've done, but other times, I think of where I am right now, I am happy with it and I realise that I wouldn't be here without those choices.

I am going to sleep now, as this the part of the day that I've been looking forward to the most. 

Night,

Allexa.

Fear.

Hei you guys.

The last couple of weeks have been hard for me, from different reasons. One is school, as I have been either afraid to start studying for something or afarid to screw it all up, afraid of not being good enough. The second reason is the fact that I either stare too much or run. I have to start being okay with it. I have to start living in the present. And I have started to feel better, but I am afraid.

This fear is like the fear of heights... or the fear of being alone, the fear of what's out there, because in reality, us humans are so tiny. All kinds of fear.

And this is how i feel when I am scared, like crashing something.

Also, two episodes of The Vampire Diaries have already aired and the Delena moments are flawless, as is the soundtrack. This plays while Elena drink blood from Damon:

I've been listening to it the whole day.

"Just don't tell Stefan."
"Why?"
"Because blod sharing is kind of... personal."

-Allexa.