Memories

Hey there.

It's been a while since I last took a look at my old blog, which I had on wordpress. It was funny to read, but it was also hard. All the memories and the past feelings that I had came crashing down on me and I could slowly feel my chest heavier, my lungs struggling to fill with air. It's strange. How everything changes so fast. How we don't notice it unless we look back, unless we glance at those times when we were kids and we were so... naive. And we were mean and karma hit us pretty badly and we learned what it was like to bleed and to turn our skin from porcelain, to ivory, to steel.

You look back and you realize than even though you've changed plenty and even though you don't miss who you were and how things used to be, you do miss it. And you do long for those days when you could be naive and stupid and rejoice in the process of growing up. Because although the process hurts, you can endure and deal with the consequences that don't last. But now that you're supposed to have grown up quite a bit, now that the consequences are more permanent and that friends matter, stupidity is no longer put up with, now that you should not be mean, but forgiving, how are you supposed to be naive? I do miss those times. But I don't miss them at all.

I am grateful to life for making me go through difficult situations, because now I can be more mature, while I can indulge and be retarded, stupid, free and reckless as well. Now I know how to hang with the people that I like, I know how not to lie and how not to speak badly. But the memories still give me chills. The speed at which time passes still frightens me. The fact that it could all be gone in a second makes me want to be able to make time stop. One summer. Over and over again. With the people that you care about. With your parents. With your whole family. Everyone sane. Everyone healthy. Everyone alive and together. Travelling. Staying still. Enjoying living. Why can't that happen? I'd enjoy not crying. I'd enjoy not remembering and dreading the memory of last year, of today, of tomorrow and of the summer that is knocking at our doors.

I'd give anything for time to freeze, for us to be stuck right in this moment, for us to never move from each other's side. That's where I'd like to stay. By their side. Seizing the days and laughing. Laughing until we can't breathe. Just that. I'd be happy with just that.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.” 
― Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

Allexa.

Vanilla sky

Hey there! 

It was more than a week ago that I watched this movie. I was studying for this big, important for me, but not relly important itself English competiton and I decided to take a break and watch a movie that my friends had been telling me about for half a year. 

I started with no expectations and I ended up being very confused near the end, but in the last 10 minutes, everything explained itself, and it was great. It was a mindfuck, really, but I didn't mind. I was patiently enjoying everything, waiting for the moment when the story would tell me how to fill the gaps and I would understand everything. And I did. And it was wonderful, because the movie gave me hope and at the same time it crushed me. 

When you lose the one thing that's most important to you, how do you keep going on? How can you face the people that are important to you? You're ashamed, but you face them anyway and then you try to change back. To be honest, that's really of no use, because changing back is not an option. You have to move forward. But what if you're not prepared yet? Well then you go and do something stupid that teaches you the lesson. And you lose everything once more, but then it doesn't matter, because you're ready to build a new life, aren't you? Changes .. Life. You can do it all  if you want to.

“My dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams I’m an idiot… who knows he’s about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep. But I can’t. I try to tell myself what to dream. I try to dream that I am flying. Something free. It never works…”

I will not say more, because this really isn't the movie that someone should spoil. So just watch it and be awed. It's a greater mindfuck than The Uninvited. And if the most critical friend of mine says it's the greatest movie he's ever seen, the movie he watches over and over again, then it really must be a masterpiece. 

And it truly is.

Love, 

Allexa.

Boredom.

Hello to you too, world !

I know it has been quite a while since I last posted, but I've been really tired, in no disposition to share my thoughts, very bored and also very mad at times. This is going to be a rant post that could be useful for some of you. Later tonight I might even post something really inpiring, who knows. We shall see.

Until then, let me tell you that I do not enjoy going to school at all, even though I do like eating more. For some reason, I can't get any eating done at home. Back on the subject, people seem to have groups and actually have fun talking, laughing, living life. On the other hand, I, who claimed to like going through the day, to hold onto some hope, find myself surrounded in misery as I feel lost and not on the right track to finding what it is that I'm looking for. Moreover, I have been trying to focus on only what's important for me and what will matter when I go to college, but it seems to me that my teachers have something else planned. I had to go to the first phase of the maths olimpiada against my will as I did not want to upset my teacher and had to go to the phisycs one as well so as not to fail my class [ might I add that the phisycs teacher signed me up for the competition late and I could have not participated at all, but he just had to put my name on that list, didn't he? ]. Now I have to tell the maths teacher I won't be going to the next phase, as it will be at the same time with the English one. I definetely choose the English contest.! I won't make a fool of myself.

Going on, I have been taking the graphics class more seriously as just a few days ago I realised how difficult the admission exam for the Architecture Uni really is. I had a little bit of a breakdown at first, but then I told myself to work as hard as I can. Apart from that, after watching a couple of movies and a TV series, I also said to myself to start trying to do silly things with the people that I can do it with. No whining. It's not going to make anything better. And no second thoughts. Those are no good for certain !

Life is not that great nowadays and really small things can make me cry. The other day I hurt my finger while closing the car door and there was this tiny whole in it just after the accident. I started crying and then I continued crying not only for that, but also for no toilet paper in the bathroom, for my messy hair, for the awful teachers at school, for friends, for no boyfriends, for ex-friends and ex-boyfriends. 

If you hold your tears for too long, one day you'll end up crying for all of the bad things anyway, so you should just let it out when you have the opporunity. I know that now.

Also this. I have been told countless times that I am tactless or that I don't know how to be a good friend. The last statement is due to my constantly telling people what they want to hear and not what I really think. I don't know why that is. Maybe I just want them to make their own decisions, without me interfeering. Or I just don't want to get too involved, only to be left alone in a crowded room at the end of the day. Nonetheless, I want to have friends, consequently I am going to try to be a better one to those around me. I have to at least try. I owe it to myself and to those who try as well.

Having said all of that, I am going to go back to making plans and trying to live. You should do the same. We only live for so long and even though it's a cliché, in 20 years or more, you will only regret the things you didn't do or didn't try. And if you're going to want to try them then, it's going to be too late.

Have a good Sunday, folks!

Night, 

Alexa.

Lookbook. One tree hill.

Hei.

I haven't been on lookbook.nu for quite a while now and I can say that I missed it lots. Yesterday was the first autumnish day and I felt like scooping for looks that fitted the cold weather and my cozy mood. Here's what I found:

There weren't more recent ones so I had to do with these, but they'e pretty awesome, you know!

For a few days now I've been watching One Tree Hill and I've already got to season 2, episode 15. I can say that I absolutely don't like some characters, but love others. It's just the messed up story of a few teenagers, but I like the way it's told. You should definitely watch! Here's the intro song:

Other than that, I can't wait to go out and wear warm clothes. School starts tomorrow and, even though I've been saying that I can't wait for it to start, I fear it because of all sorts of things and I want to put it off as much as I can, but that's not possible. So I just have to put the badges that are going to arrive on Tuesday on my backpack, enjoy my pencase, designed just yesterday aaand learn as much as I can. I'm going to have to look past everything else, otherwise I won't be able to take it. You may not know what I'm talking about, but you know that at school we see everyone, not only the people we want to. Maybe that'll help you figure it out ! xD

I'll go to sleep tonight and hope for the best. May this be a good school year!!

See you, 

Allexa.

Change. Happiness.

Hei.

I don't really know what to say, to be honest. I feel... shitty, as usual, but this time I want to focus on why it is so important for me to see past all the fuck-ups and try to be happy.

Yesterday I hung out with a friend of mine [ we used to be together, to be more specific ] and as I was about to go, I asked him if he was okay. He avoided answering my question, asking me back if I thought that there was something wrong with him. That moment I got a little angry and I replied that I only wanted to know if he was fine, if he was ... happy. He said he was, but the second after he said that, he added: ''Nobody is happy.'' and I was close to tears. I told him it was true, but at least I was trying to be happy and he said I actually wasn't. [ as a side comment to why I was there with him, once again ] It was true. I said that to him. But I also said that I was trying to look past all the sad stuff, because if you don't try, then what's the point of it all? Or everything. What is it? We'd just be sad all the time. I don't want that for me. 

To that, he said it's better to show it, to be true to yourself and to the world and just show it. That way, you'll know who are your friends. I agreed with that. I just agreed, but I didn't utter a word more. I know now that no matter what happened between us, we're still friends and we will always be. He's the only one that when I call and I say I need him, he's there. No questions. He just comes. And I love that. People describe him as disfunctional, but I am disfunctional too. We're kind of perfect for eachother.

[he always says I am crazy, but he stands by my side anyway]

But what does this have to do with the term of change? It is a cliche, but it is one because it is true. Second by second, minute by minute, day by day, nothing seems to change. Not a thing. We just keep going, hoping for the best, expecting the worst, trying to find ourselves or just losing who we are. And when we stop and look back at how it all used to be, we realise everything's changed.

Me? I can't stand it. When I look back, I cry, because I miss how easy it all used to be, but also because I don't miss it at all and I am amazingly happy that I am past it. I really don't know. I like to believe that life is about trying to be happy, about being happy and I want to smile. I want to find reasons to smile and if I am not smart enough to find them, I want to get angry, angry at life and stand up with my head held high.

The only constant thing in my life has been change and it still is. But what if not all change is good? What if some things have to stay the same? Like... the small things? Those I like the best. The small things. A smile, a look, a touch, a laugh, a glance, a fight, a punch. Those things make it all seem real, not boring, but full of life.

I keep bouncing between change and happiness, but those two themes are in my head right now and I can't shake them off. For me, they are forever holding hands, because I get bored easily. It's like... Starting a fire and letting it burn byt itself. At some point, it's going to stop burning if you don't keep adding wood or things to help it burn. Change. That's it. Everything changes, but the change makes it bearable. By changing things, I get happy. Even for a second, a minute, an hour. I can't be happy more than that, but for those moments I live. You can blame all you want, you can disagree with me, but I frankly don't think I care. :/

Don't you get bored if you don't experience change?

But then again, you look at a photograph and you start to appreciate the fact that some human being invented it, because it never changes, even when the people in it do.

I love change. I have change.It depends on what it affects.

Please tell me you also get bored easily, please tell that you need to add wood to the fire every once in a while to keep it burning, tell me you love its flame. Tell me I'm not the only one.

Allexa.

Delena.

Hello.

How are you? I am fine, thank you very much. School isn't going so bad these days, even though a lot of tests and term papers are coming up. Through all of this mess I made time for myself. And by that, of course I mean to watch tv series. Two weeks ago, while still being on that school trip, I watched the 19th episode of the third season of The Vampire Diaries. I know I wasn't supposed to watch new episodes while being with my classmates, but it was late and I just allowed myself a moment of peace, haha.

After a long enough wait, Damon and Elena kissed. Uhum. Finally. I think they are perfect together, heh. I know some people won't agree with me and will say that Stefan is her 'great,fairytalish' love, but um, nope, I don't think that. I am not one who can settle for good when I can have best. Yes, Stefan is only good. He'll always be just good. He ditched Elena when she needed him. He acted dumb, he abandoned her, he wasn't there to save her. He hid his monster-self from her, he left her when he should have been fighting for her.

On the other hand, Damon has always been there for her, you know. Even if she didn't really stand him, she didn't tell him to go away. She needed him and he was there every single step of the way, getting mad and over-protective, saving her, laughing with her, changing in better and changing her along the way, making her stronger. I personally support their relationship. I think it makes both of them better. It's intense, there's passion and both Damon and Elena can be happy, because they are true to who they are. Elena knows the real Damon and vice-versa. There's no lies. They didn't fall in love with someone other than the true self of the other.

In that episode, when Elena kissed Damon, she just gave in her emotions. She didn't ignore them anymore. That background song, Never let me go by Florence and The Machine described everything perfectly.

When Elena chooses between the brothers, she will kind of put a motive of sadness between Damon and Stefan, but it's best that she does that. She can't fool around with the two of them. And I think it's immature of them to say that the one that isn't chosen will have to leave town. They're going to hurt her. They should just accept the decision and move on. Grr. Oh, here's the song:

I hope you like it. I've listened to it constantly ever since I've heard it on the show. The lyrics have so much meaning that you can't help but get emotional while listening to it, haha.

Oh and this quote: "Nothing worthwhile is ever easy" fits Delena so much. Stelena came way to easy. What comes easy goes easy, folks.

Night,

Allexa.