Change. Happiness.

Hei.

I don't really know what to say, to be honest. I feel... shitty, as usual, but this time I want to focus on why it is so important for me to see past all the fuck-ups and try to be happy.

Yesterday I hung out with a friend of mine [ we used to be together, to be more specific ] and as I was about to go, I asked him if he was okay. He avoided answering my question, asking me back if I thought that there was something wrong with him. That moment I got a little angry and I replied that I only wanted to know if he was fine, if he was ... happy. He said he was, but the second after he said that, he added: ''Nobody is happy.'' and I was close to tears. I told him it was true, but at least I was trying to be happy and he said I actually wasn't. [ as a side comment to why I was there with him, once again ] It was true. I said that to him. But I also said that I was trying to look past all the sad stuff, because if you don't try, then what's the point of it all? Or everything. What is it? We'd just be sad all the time. I don't want that for me. 

To that, he said it's better to show it, to be true to yourself and to the world and just show it. That way, you'll know who are your friends. I agreed with that. I just agreed, but I didn't utter a word more. I know now that no matter what happened between us, we're still friends and we will always be. He's the only one that when I call and I say I need him, he's there. No questions. He just comes. And I love that. People describe him as disfunctional, but I am disfunctional too. We're kind of perfect for eachother.

[he always says I am crazy, but he stands by my side anyway]

But what does this have to do with the term of change? It is a cliche, but it is one because it is true. Second by second, minute by minute, day by day, nothing seems to change. Not a thing. We just keep going, hoping for the best, expecting the worst, trying to find ourselves or just losing who we are. And when we stop and look back at how it all used to be, we realise everything's changed.

Me? I can't stand it. When I look back, I cry, because I miss how easy it all used to be, but also because I don't miss it at all and I am amazingly happy that I am past it. I really don't know. I like to believe that life is about trying to be happy, about being happy and I want to smile. I want to find reasons to smile and if I am not smart enough to find them, I want to get angry, angry at life and stand up with my head held high.

The only constant thing in my life has been change and it still is. But what if not all change is good? What if some things have to stay the same? Like... the small things? Those I like the best. The small things. A smile, a look, a touch, a laugh, a glance, a fight, a punch. Those things make it all seem real, not boring, but full of life.

I keep bouncing between change and happiness, but those two themes are in my head right now and I can't shake them off. For me, they are forever holding hands, because I get bored easily. It's like... Starting a fire and letting it burn byt itself. At some point, it's going to stop burning if you don't keep adding wood or things to help it burn. Change. That's it. Everything changes, but the change makes it bearable. By changing things, I get happy. Even for a second, a minute, an hour. I can't be happy more than that, but for those moments I live. You can blame all you want, you can disagree with me, but I frankly don't think I care. :/

Don't you get bored if you don't experience change?

But then again, you look at a photograph and you start to appreciate the fact that some human being invented it, because it never changes, even when the people in it do.

I love change. I have change.It depends on what it affects.

Please tell me you also get bored easily, please tell that you need to add wood to the fire every once in a while to keep it burning, tell me you love its flame. Tell me I'm not the only one.

Allexa.