Hello there! (even though I doubt that someone is actually reading this)
Less than a week ago a friend of mine told me that someone had read my blog and they thought that it brought nothing new to the blogosphere, that I had no originality and that my posts were plain boring. And what if they are? I seriously never thought of it, because I didn't really care. I always only wanted to express my thoughts, regardless of how many people read them and regardless of their opinion. But truth be told, even though I try to overlook people saying bad things about me, I can't, especially when I hear those things.
So what if my posts don't have a spark? Not all of us have something extraordinarily special within us and even if we do, let's bring some honesty to the table, who would post about their unshared ideas? I, for one, wouldn't, and I initially meant to write in this post that I will not, that I don't really care. So what if people don't read what I write? I myself don't read blogs on a regular basis so why should I care? But wrietrs depend on their readers, so after better thinking I've decided to post differently. My blog will still include trivial things such as 'What I wore' or simple posts about movies or books, because it remains mine and not other people's, but how I bring you (who maybe will stumble upon this at some point) something worth reading and that won't make your heads fall on the desk as you read?
Now I am off to getting ready for my first out of the many French lessons I am going to take this summer. See you later, alligators! :)
Today I went to the second session of the AIESEC project called Grow and even though my mood sucked plenty because of various reasons, including the really hot whether, I was able to cheer myself up with some self-made lemonade and the realisation that I have a microSD on which to store my camera photos!! So, as I reached the apartment building in which I live, I took some photos of the outfit I wore today.
white T-shirt with black stripes from H&M
black shorts from C&A
brown Converse, really worn out
blue bracelet from Singapore and black bracelet I received as a gift on the 1st of March
vintage bag from a local store
necklace with the Eiffel tour from Meli Melo
As music is always on in my room and as it is summer and I need to stay positive, here's a song for you to listen to:
Tomorrow should finally be the last day of school and then we will be able to relax and do whatever we want, even though this summer I want to get a part-time job and maybe learn new things while having fun as well. This the last summer before we start getting ready for college and I suppose it's really important. SO yet again we made a list. And one of the things on the list is to take a photo with a random stranger on the street every week. Today B and I found it difficult not to get inhibited and it was hard to take the picture, but we calmed down and it was okay.
Haha, I can't wait to take more pictures this summer. Maybe I'll be able to make a scrapbook or something with the photos. I haven't one that in a while and it would be fun.
I have been wondering what to post about since my mind has been filled with a lot of idea today and with good mood as well. I saved a bunch of pictured from tumblr, with room designes or with quotes on various themes, but I decided to stick with what I am most happy about: being able to not stress about school, but to go out and have fun. Since a month ago and until a fewy days ago, all we've been able to do was to go to a cafe, have something to drink and talk, as you can see in the first two pictures.
Here we were at Groove, where I had a long Expresso and the girl beside me had a black tea with honey, which was delicious, really.
At Cella's birthday, I finally ordered a white Martini and just like I had expected, I loved it.
Now that the sun is up in the sky a lot more and that the weather is warmer, we're able to go somewhere outside and enjoy ourselves more.
At Tipsy, during our CAE lunch break, I had the best coffee ever.
And as if simply going out wasn't enough, my friends have started throuwing barbeques and pool parties. I went to a barbeque/pool party last evening/night and as I was sitting on chiar by the pool and watching the boys play something like Polo but not quite, I felt the feeling of summer sink in and a wave of happiness struck me and I couldn't help but smile.
Summer is in the air and even though I don't have a boyfriend, I am happy for my friends, haha.
I can't wait to do everything I have in mind for this summer and also make some money if possible. A summer to do list is on the way!! Love, Allexa.
Doesn't life simply suck? It's the end of my second high-school year and it all seems to pass by so fastly. Summer is here and I honestly can't wait to wear all my dresses and skirts and to actually get something done besides school and assignments. Maybe we are really going to do some things off that list. Maybe it's going to be awesome. Maybe hugs aren't going to be so bitter-sweet. Maybe there won't be so much lust. Right now I was thinking of so many things and then I thought of where I want to be. I realised I want to be here with everyone and then I realised I'd rather be anywhere but here, because being here would mean me caring and me getting hurt and me getting attached. So here are a few places where I would like to lose myself:
So will you please travel the world with me? I have come to the realisation that that is one of my biggest dreams ever. One dream that scares me to death. One dream without which I would die. I cannot stay in this little forgotten town. I have to get out. I have to see. But I will, won't I?
I do hope so. In the mean time let's keep our fingers crossed for summer. And listen to good music, shall we?
"You hit the drink, you take a toke
Watch the past go up in smoke, yeah
Fake a smile, yeah, lie and say that,
You're better now than ever, and your life's okay
When it's not. No."
In less than a day and a half I am going to have to sustain the written part of the CAE exam and I couldn't be more nervous about it and less confident. I trust that I will know what to do and that I will concentrate, but what if, what if? So I am now trying to revise, to write an article, a letter of whatever, a proposal, a report. But I can't. I know what to write, but I just can't write it. So I'm going to type the article instead, haha. It's an interesting subject, so maybe you would like to read iiit:3
" Technology is know to have been and to be constantly evolving. There are more and more devices on the growing market, all claiming to be of use, to be able to make our day-to-day lives easier, but are they actually capable of doing so? Certainly, examples can be given for both useful and useless devices, but to which extent can we appreciate their function?
Communication and information are the most inportant aspects of life nowadays, so without access to them, what would you do? What devices could one not live without? The cellphone, which you can take wherever you go, enables you to talk to whomever ou want to. A computer and an Internet connection gives you the possibility to find any piece of information you might be looking for. Without a means of communication and a means of finding data, how could you possibly live in and be part of a society that depends entirely and the use of social skills and the exchange of knowledge? To be able to find imense amount of data with just a few clicks and maybe an interested mind will never cease to be of help, to make living easier.
There is no question that we do depend on technology, but we could still go by without some machines. Currently, you can see in shops mini-laptops or notebooks. I am certain most people would be able to work a a normal laptop instead of a a miniature version of it. That, and maybe the cellphones of the size of a brick are disposable, as are maybe some other machines only rich people are able to purchase.
Depending on each person's lifestyle, a gadget can be either a waste of money or a way of saving their precious time. Technology is important, but should we get caught in its toils? It depends on you, and you alone."
Now I am off to bed, as fights and examens can really cause you to be a wreck emotionally.
It's been a while since I last took a look at my old blog, which I had on wordpress. It was funny to read, but it was also hard. All the memories and the past feelings that I had came crashing down on me and I could slowly feel my chest heavier, my lungs struggling to fill with air. It's strange. How everything changes so fast. How we don't notice it unless we look back, unless we glance at those times when we were kids and we were so... naive. And we were mean and karma hit us pretty badly and we learned what it was like to bleed and to turn our skin from porcelain, to ivory, to steel.
You look back and you realize than even though you've changed plenty and even though you don't miss who you were and how things used to be, you do miss it. And you do long for those days when you could be naive and stupid and rejoice in the process of growing up. Because although the process hurts, you can endure and deal with the consequences that don't last. But now that you're supposed to have grown up quite a bit, now that the consequences are more permanent and that friends matter, stupidity is no longer put up with, now that you should not be mean, but forgiving, how are you supposed to be naive? I do miss those times. But I don't miss them at all.
I am grateful to life for making me go through difficult situations, because now I can be more mature, while I can indulge and be retarded, stupid, free and reckless as well. Now I know how to hang with the people that I like, I know how not to lie and how not to speak badly. But the memories still give me chills. The speed at which time passes still frightens me. The fact that it could all be gone in a second makes me want to be able to make time stop. One summer. Over and over again. With the people that you care about. With your parents. With your whole family. Everyone sane. Everyone healthy. Everyone alive and together. Travelling. Staying still. Enjoying living. Why can't that happen? I'd enjoy not crying. I'd enjoy not remembering and dreading the memory of last year, of today, of tomorrow and of the summer that is knocking at our doors.
I'd give anything for time to freeze, for us to be stuck right in this moment, for us to never move from each other's side. That's where I'd like to stay. By their side. Seizing the days and laughing. Laughing until we can't breathe. Just that. I'd be happy with just that.
“Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.” ― Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby
The Breakfast Club is undoubtfully a mentioned movie. It was mentioned in How I met your mother, Pitch Perfect and I think one more, but I cannot put my finger on it. At first, B watched it and then I decided to watch it too, since the people on tumblr also said it is amazing.
I didn't expect to like it so much since it's an old movie, but I actually did, a lot! I loved the fact that no matter how many years ago it was made, I could relate. And even if in some cases I couldn't, the scenes were simply funny and awesome, haha.
You should watch it, really! The stereotypes are all just demolished and I loved to see that happen.
I know I should say more about the movie, but I've waited a long time to write this post and truth be told, how could I make a review without spoiling all of you, this being a simple but extraordinary movie?
It was more than a week ago that I watched this movie. I was studying for this big, important for me, but not relly important itself English competiton and I decided to take a break and watch a movie that my friends had been telling me about for half a year.
I started with no expectations and I ended up being very confused near the end, but in the last 10 minutes, everything explained itself, and it was great. It was a mindfuck, really, but I didn't mind. I was patiently enjoying everything, waiting for the moment when the story would tell me how to fill the gaps and I would understand everything. And I did. And it was wonderful, because the movie gave me hope and at the same time it crushed me.
When you lose the one thing that's most important to you, how do you keep going on? How can you face the people that are important to you? You're ashamed, but you face them anyway and then you try to change back. To be honest, that's really of no use, because changing back is not an option. You have to move forward. But what if you're not prepared yet? Well then you go and do something stupid that teaches you the lesson. And you lose everything once more, but then it doesn't matter, because you're ready to build a new life, aren't you? Changes .. Life. You can do it all if you want to.
“My dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams I’m an idiot… who knows he’s about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep. But I can’t. I try to tell myself what to dream. I try to dream that I am flying. Something free. It never works…”
I will not say more, because this really isn't the movie that someone should spoil. So just watch it and be awed. It's a greater mindfuck than The Uninvited. And if the most critical friend of mine says it's the greatest movie he's ever seen, the movie he watches over and over again, then it really must be a masterpiece.
It's been quite a while since I've last posted, but I've been pretty busy with being lazy and with school. As you can all see, spring is here, or at least here in my city. I could not have been happier about it as I had got tired of the cold weather, of sweaters and those big jackets.
I can't wait to wear this kinds of outfits [ without that watch and that bag maybe ].
Right now, it's raining outside, but I hope soon enough it will be sunny again!
Need I say more than school sucks? And I'm sad, yeah, 'cause I suck at writing descriptive essays. So yeah. This week we have like four tests and I have lots of homework to do, but all I want is to fly away. Can I please do that? I need to do that.
Until I succeed, here's something you can listen to:
"Their word mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me"
Night,
Allexa.
Dear Friend,
I am writing to you because I need to get this out of my system. I need to stop crying and just write this down so I can try to move on and change something. I don't think I can say my entire feelings to someone, so I'll just tell you, because you won't judge, right? I'm so tired of people judging.
I didn't use to care about trivial stuff a year and a half ago. When almost the whole class in middle school turned against me, I learnt the importance of true friends, of family, of laughter, of support, of kindness, of gratitude and of talent. Then high-school came and everything came crashing down on me. Everyone here (well almost everyone) cares about appearences, about clothes, about owning gadgets. They get mad if they're not the best at something. They get mad if there are people better than them. And for what? The subjects they want to get good grades at are not the ones that they'll study in college. They just want... to feel above everyone else. And even when they do, they're not satisfied.
They complain. And they complain again. And they don't enjoy life. And they always want more and they don't think that what they already have is enough. I have much less than any of them do. They don't see that. They're selfish, and arrogant, and claim to care about others when they really don't. And why is that? What for? If you don't have people to care about, why have all those things and all those clothes?
I am tired. I am sad. I can see people hurting, reason why they want to be the best. I think that's not a solution. I don't know what's the sollution to their problems, but to mine... I have to start caring about the important things again. I have to start caring about family, college, friends. I can't stay sad. That won't solve anything, will it? I have to actually do something for things to get better, 'cause no-one is going to do it for me. Or will you? No, of course you won't. You don't care. So you won't judge me when I say I'm tired, right? I can't stand people judging me, not anymore.
Thank you for listening. Maybe I'll come back. Keep in mind that I won't say any names. Even though I have them in my head, people need to figure out who they are and who they want to be by themselves. See you soon. I'll keep you posted on my progress.
I don't know what I'm doing wight now because this is a scheduled post, but as it is Tuesday, I may be doing my maths homework or proscrastinating in bed, who knows. I just wanted to stop by and show you these amazing photos/quotes I found on tumblr a few days ago.
Try to smile, okay? It will get better. I know it will.
Yesterday I finished watching the aired episodes of How I met your mother and I couldn't help but cry for a couple of hours after finishing the last episode. This show has made me laugh over the last month so badly as much as it has made me cry. At first I didn't think I would like it at all, but it was something fresh, something I needed. And I guess it has everything. You cannot not like it. Whoever you are, wherever you are from. But I warn you, you will have a dirty mind after watching only a few episodes!
But back to the crying for two hours part. I had just watched "The proposal" when I started crying. There was this guy that knew this girl so well that he could actually make up a few-weeks-long plan based only on what he knew about that girl, on her exact reactions, on what he and she wanted. And it actually worked. I want somebody to know me that well. I want someone to be so in love with me that they are willing to work really hard to get me, with all my weird habbits and my bad behaviour. I don't want them to look past them, I want them to love them. I want Swarkles.
All of this made me think about why I don't have a boyfriend, about how I want it to be and about what I want in general from a relationship. The main things were that he loved me, that I could be myself and that I wouldn't get bored, but mentally challanged instead. I would absolutely love a realtionship like this. But you can't find that at my age and you can't find trust either. People like to experiment and the actually nice guys seem boring to me, even though I would very much like a long relationship. I just don't think I am ready right now. I like the chase. I love it. I don't want people expecting things. I just want to share my feelings without any obligations. Is that even possible?
To sum up, you should watch the show if you haven't yet ! It's worth it, I assure you.
I know it has been quite a while since I last posted, but I've been really tired, in no disposition to share my thoughts, very bored and also very mad at times. This is going to be a rant post that could be useful for some of you. Later tonight I might even post something really inpiring, who knows. We shall see.
Until then, let me tell you that I do not enjoy going to school at all, even though I do like eating more. For some reason, I can't get any eating done at home. Back on the subject, people seem to have groups and actually have fun talking, laughing, living life. On the other hand, I, who claimed to like going through the day, to hold onto some hope, find myself surrounded in misery as I feel lost and not on the right track to finding what it is that I'm looking for. Moreover, I have been trying to focus on only what's important for me and what will matter when I go to college, but it seems to me that my teachers have something else planned. I had to go to the first phase of the maths olimpiada against my will as I did not want to upset my teacher and had to go to the phisycs one as well so as not to fail my class [ might I add that the phisycs teacher signed me up for the competition late and I could have not participated at all, but he just had to put my name on that list, didn't he? ]. Now I have to tell the maths teacher I won't be going to the next phase, as it will be at the same time with the English one. I definetely choose the English contest.! I won't make a fool of myself.
Going on, I have been taking the graphics class more seriously as just a few days ago I realised how difficult the admission exam for the Architecture Uni really is. I had a little bit of a breakdown at first, but then I told myself to work as hard as I can. Apart from that, after watching a couple of movies and a TV series, I also said to myself to start trying to do silly things with the people that I can do it with. No whining. It's not going to make anything better. And no second thoughts. Those are no good for certain !
Life is not that great nowadays and really small things can make me cry. The other day I hurt my finger while closing the car door and there was this tiny whole in it just after the accident. I started crying and then I continued crying not only for that, but also for no toilet paper in the bathroom, for my messy hair, for the awful teachers at school, for friends, for no boyfriends, for ex-friends and ex-boyfriends.
If you hold your tears for too long, one day you'll end up crying for all of the bad things anyway, so you should just let it out when you have the opporunity. I know that now.
Also this. I have been told countless times that I am tactless or that I don't know how to be a good friend. The last statement is due to my constantly telling people what they want to hear and not what I really think. I don't know why that is. Maybe I just want them to make their own decisions, without me interfeering. Or I just don't want to get too involved, only to be left alone in a crowded room at the end of the day. Nonetheless, I want to have friends, consequently I am going to try to be a better one to those around me. I have to at least try. I owe it to myself and to those who try as well.
