Vanilla sky

Hey there! 

It was more than a week ago that I watched this movie. I was studying for this big, important for me, but not relly important itself English competiton and I decided to take a break and watch a movie that my friends had been telling me about for half a year. 

I started with no expectations and I ended up being very confused near the end, but in the last 10 minutes, everything explained itself, and it was great. It was a mindfuck, really, but I didn't mind. I was patiently enjoying everything, waiting for the moment when the story would tell me how to fill the gaps and I would understand everything. And I did. And it was wonderful, because the movie gave me hope and at the same time it crushed me. 

When you lose the one thing that's most important to you, how do you keep going on? How can you face the people that are important to you? You're ashamed, but you face them anyway and then you try to change back. To be honest, that's really of no use, because changing back is not an option. You have to move forward. But what if you're not prepared yet? Well then you go and do something stupid that teaches you the lesson. And you lose everything once more, but then it doesn't matter, because you're ready to build a new life, aren't you? Changes .. Life. You can do it all  if you want to.

“My dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams I’m an idiot… who knows he’s about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep. But I can’t. I try to tell myself what to dream. I try to dream that I am flying. Something free. It never works…”

I will not say more, because this really isn't the movie that someone should spoil. So just watch it and be awed. It's a greater mindfuck than The Uninvited. And if the most critical friend of mine says it's the greatest movie he's ever seen, the movie he watches over and over again, then it really must be a masterpiece. 

And it truly is.

Love, 

Allexa.

Random inspiration.

Hey!!

I don't know what I'm doing wight now because this is a scheduled post, but as it is Tuesday, I may be doing my maths homework or proscrastinating in bed, who knows. I just wanted to stop by and show you these amazing photos/quotes I found on tumblr a few days ago.

 

 

Try to smile, okay? It will get better. I know it will.

Allexa.

~Swarkles. Wanting a bf.

Hey there! This post has spoilers, so beware.

Yesterday I finished watching the aired episodes of How I met your mother and I couldn't help but cry for a couple of hours after finishing the last episode. This show has made me laugh over the last month so badly as much as it has made me cry. At first I didn't think I would like it at all, but it was something fresh, something I needed. And I guess it has everything. You cannot not like it. Whoever you are, wherever you are from. But I warn you, you will have a dirty mind after watching only a few episodes!

But back to the crying for two hours part. I had just watched "The proposal" when I started crying. There was this guy that knew this girl so well that he could actually make up a few-weeks-long plan based only on what he knew about that girl, on her exact reactions, on what he and she wanted. And it actually worked. I want somebody to know me that well. I want someone to be so in love with me that they are willing to work really hard to get me, with all my weird habbits and my bad behaviour. I don't want them to look past them, I want them to love them. I want Swarkles.

 

All of this made me think about why I don't have a boyfriend, about how I want it to be and about what I want in general from a relationship. The main things were that he loved me, that I could be myself and that I wouldn't get bored, but mentally challanged instead. I would absolutely love a realtionship like this. But you can't find that at my age and you can't find trust either. People like to experiment and the actually nice guys seem boring to me, even though I would very much like a long relationship. I just don't think I am ready right now. I like the chase. I love it. I don't want people expecting things. I just want to share my feelings without any obligations. Is that even possible?

To sum up, you should watch the show if you haven't yet ! It's worth it, I assure you.

Bye bye,

Allexa.

The perks of being a wallflower.

Dear Friend,

I have finally found something worth sharing. Today, after crying a lot because of what my grandfather thinks of me, after being cheered up by my mother and father and after talking normally with my brother, I tried to calm down. I stayed there and thought. I should do something. I should just do something. And I watched Lost again. And I talked to B and to Larisa. And to Freund to, even if lately we've been kind of distant to each other. B's not really talking as she's watching HIMYM. I started looking. I saw it. 

For the past week I have had this tab opened. It says "Things to be happy about". I don't know why, but it reminded me about The perks of being a wallflower. So I started browsing, and I ended up on this site where I download all my movies from. And I started typing, and I hit "Search" and there it is. The movie everyone'd been talking about. So I downloaded it. And I started watching it. At first, it didn't seem like it was anything special. Just one of those new movies, about the life of some messed-up teenagers. It was, but it was also so much more. I can't even explain it. Every quote, every action sinks in. At the end of the movie, just after the last scene and last word is being said, you get this high. 

I don't know how to describe it. You are infinite. You feel like you can do anything. You feel like it's all worth it. Like there's someone out there for you. There's a place. It gets better. It's not all worthless. It's life. Life can be awesome. You feel all those things and you listen to the soundtrack. You play it again and again in your head. It could be you. It is you. And it gets better.

But the feelings starts fading away, like any feeling given by a book or movie. It slowly starts disappearing, but you don't want it to. 'Cause you liked having the sense of being able to touch the sky.  I don't want that to go away. Not now, when I need it. I need something to hold on to. I will also read the book and then I will seek the feeling in everything surrounding me.

I want to live. I want to be able to look back and tell myself that I did the right things at the time. I want to be the adult in some situations and I want to be the kid in others. I want to be able to allow myself to be the kid.

And I want to love, without regrets. I want to be honest about my feelings. I will speak my thoughts when I feel like they are needed and I will let the silence speak for me when the words are needed no more. And I will try to do what's best for the ones that I care about. And I will try to make them feel better. I will try to make the sadness go away. Just for a second, a minute, a moment. I want everyone to feel in a moment that they are completely happy.

Enough said and enough with the image spoilers. I am telling you this now. You need to watch this movie. You might not be as impressed as I am, but you will surely like it!. 

The moments come all by surprise and we must try to move along.

Just for one day.

Keep trying. Keep hoping. Keep doing things.

Night,

Allexa.

Appearances can be deceiving

Hey there.

This week I have been struggling with the feeling of not being good enough, as I have felt that way at school at some subjects. I haven't done so great on some tests and that may be the reason. I have come to realise that I only have to be good enough in the area that I like and in which I am going to work as an adult. That area for me is drawing, architecture and the subjects are English, maths and physics. Even though I sucked at solving those problems in the test, I understand the problems and such, so I am not that mad at myself. Not anymore at least.

As I was scrolling down my dashboard on tumblr, I stumbled across this song or cover or whatever. At first , I didn't know whose song/cover/whatever was it, but the name was in the comments:

Ke$ha’s real voice

Living proof that Hollywood kills talent.

WHY DAFUQ WOULD SHE HIDE THIS FROM US?

The number of notes doh.

WOW

THIS USED TO BE LIKE MY FAVOURITE SONG OKAY

how do i know if this is real or not 0.o

And here's the song:

I have been listening to it ever since I found it. And it made me think about how I didn't want to listen to it at first. We have this image in our heads about people, image based on characteristics that we see. We never question what we see and that is why we don't see the truth most times. Even if some people try to question our actions and pretend to want to get to know us better, sometimes they might just be only curious and we need to be careful. But being more open in order for people to see who you really are is not at all wrong.

See you soon,
Allexa.

Sweet sixteen.

Hey there.

They say you don't realise when you change, when you grow up, when everything you have know and you have been is diffrent. And it's true. I am now 16 and I am as diffrent as I can be from a year ago, but I didn't realise it. On the 2nd of December I told myself that that was my last day at 15. I wanted to make it memorable, but I thought of no way of doing so. Why try to live more one day that any other day? So on the 3rd of December, the next day, I wanted to be happy. I wanted to try to not let anything upset me and even though there still were things I didn't like, I felt a little bit better.

A second, a day, a week, a month or a year older, I still want the same things. And I am willing to do better, I am willing to try in order to feel happy. I want to block out the things that don't matter, to focus ont he reality, on its good part and on how I can improve the bad part. I want to enjoy it, even though some days I have little to be pleased about. Crying is a part of life to and if I can't go on anymore, I'll sit down and cry. And then I'll get back up and try. Cause if I stop trying what's left?

This beautiful [ hopefully ] year ahead of me, I want to travel, I want to meet new people and talk talk talk. I want to be close with my family and I want to be a better friend because I realise that sometimes I am not. I want to draw, to write, to learn. I want to laugh, to have fun. I want to have the superfficial happiness of the age. And I want to be a better version of myself.

Please try to make every year matter, every moment. You won't get it back. Even if you're miserable, there are still things that make you a bit happy, like music, books, tea, oranges, hot-chocolate and sweaters, snow. Try to focus on those until life gives you a bigger reason and you to yourself.

I am going to go with a few so-called friends to a small party on Saturday. I have faith that it will be okay and that I will enjoy myself. Also, last Saturday, I my auncle and aunt came by the house and we celebrated my b-day in the family.

On your birthday try to be happy. You don't need to do crazy things, you just need to be with your close ones and try to smile from your heart.

See you,
Allexa.

Oh love

Hey.

I've got a lot of homework for tomorrow, but I have to spend some time for myself. I decided to spend that time thinking about love. What a great thing, right? For the past month I have spent my nights, my spare time and every free second of every single day analizing this thing called love, analizing why relationships sometimes don't work out and even though the answers came easily and they were simple, it was not that easy for me to accept them or be okay with them.

Being stuck on something is no good. Being the only one missing and caring is not, but neither is to pretend to care or to care for the wrong reasons. You have to move on, to leave it behind you. It was something you wanted at some point and it didn't work out for various reasons, but you just have to understand those reasons and to try to change some things about yourself if the case. Don't work yourself up. Just make it simple, ease your heart and let go.

I realised last night that I can just wake up one day and not feel the need to stare again. Today, I almost did. I didn't really feel it anymore. And that felt so good, you can't even imagine. Letting go means being able to focus only on yourself. And today I could. And I realised that I had some issues too, such as being a bit too jealous, thing I'm trying to work on. I've also learned that i felt that way only because I usually lack confidence in myself. So I need to work on that to and be open to the future.

The future holds so much. One day, you just might meet someone special and your heart might just bump really hard because of the happiness. And you'll feel scared. And that person is going to change everything you knew about life. And everything is going to make sense for once. And you'll get scared, but you'll know you have known love. At this age, my opinion is that you can't feel love. You can only care deeply for someone. We're still changing and growing up, so you can't talk about accepting someone withh all their flaws, you can't talk about loving those flaws and staying beside them forever and always.

Love can only come when you are the most you you can be. But that love is so sweet I like to believe.

And because music is like breathing, here's this post's inspiration:

"Oh Love, oh love
Won't you rain on me tonight?
Oh life, oh life
Please don't pass me by
Don't stop, don't stop
Don't stop when the red lights flash
Oh ride, free ride
Won't you take me close to you"

" 'Cause you're such a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty face
But you turned into a pretty big waste of my time"

And yes, I have been infected with Sleeping with Sirens. I love their lyrics and I love their music. You should listen. Now I'm off to doing my homework and whatever I need to do for tomorrow. I have a week full of tests ahead of me.

See you,
Allexa.

Everything comes to an end.

Hey.

Today I have finally finished One Tree Hill, a TV series with 9 seasons, the last one with only 13 episodes. Although I had seen parts of the last episode a few weeks back, today, when I understood everything for the first time, I actually cried. Everything comes to an end, even this.

Even though I saw this tv series in quite a tiny amount of time, I've seen the characters go from being high-schoolers, like me, to being adults. From partying, having reckless sex, being mean, not knowing who they are and what they are going to do, to being responsible, loving parents, to being honest, brave, fun, creative, to being people you are proud to call friends, family.

“Wanna play truth or dare? Actually, no let’s just play dare, nobody tells the truth anymore.”

- Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill

“You ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other people’s lives have we been in? Were we a part of someone’s life, or when their dream came true, or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think. You could be a big part of someone else’s life and not even know it.”

- Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill

“You know, it’s been said that we just don’t recognize the significant moments of our lives while they’re happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it’s usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you’ve realized how wrong you’ve been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it. Life is funny sometimes. It can push pretty hard. But if you look close enough, you can find hope in the words of children, in the bars of the song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you’re lucky, I mean, if you’re the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.”

- One Tree Hill quotes ~ 3x20 - “Everyday is a Sunday Evening”

It wouldn't be a mistake if you watched this series. It would be the best choice ever. No vampires, no witches. Just life. Just people. Like us. There's a Brooke, a Peyton, a Nate, a Haley and a Lucas in all of us. Also, there are a lot of life lessons, but not boringly presented. They are fun. You can learn a lot and you can laugh and you can cry. One Tree Hill is a great experience.

And it has a great soundtrack !! [ both old and new music, as Peyton and Haley love music, Haley being a musician later on ]

These are the last lines:

"It's the oldest story in the world: one day you're seventeen & planning for someday. & then quietly - & without you ever really noticing - someday is today. & then someday is yesterday. & this is your life...We spend so much time wanting... pursuing... wishing... But ambition is good. Chasing things with integrity is good. Dreaming...
If you had a friend you knew you'd never see again, what would you say? If you could do one last thing for someone you love, what would it be? Say it... do it... don't wait. Nothing lasts forever...
Make a wish & place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want.
Do you have it? Good. Now believe that it come true.
You never know where the next miracle is going to come from... the next memory... the next smile... the next wish come true...
But if you believe that it's right around the corner, & you open your heart & mind to the possibility of it - to the certainty of it - you might just get the thing you're wishing for.
The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it.So make a wish. Do you have it? Good.
Now believe in it... with all your heart." 

I absolutely love it.

Night,
Allexa.

Fear.

Hei you guys.

The last couple of weeks have been hard for me, from different reasons. One is school, as I have been either afraid to start studying for something or afarid to screw it all up, afraid of not being good enough. The second reason is the fact that I either stare too much or run. I have to start being okay with it. I have to start living in the present. And I have started to feel better, but I am afraid.

This fear is like the fear of heights... or the fear of being alone, the fear of what's out there, because in reality, us humans are so tiny. All kinds of fear.

And this is how i feel when I am scared, like crashing something.

Also, two episodes of The Vampire Diaries have already aired and the Delena moments are flawless, as is the soundtrack. This plays while Elena drink blood from Damon:

I've been listening to it the whole day.

"Just don't tell Stefan."
"Why?"
"Because blod sharing is kind of... personal."

-Allexa.

Hello, Autumn!!

Hei you.

As you can see, autumn has arrived, even though the temperatures are going down only at night. I am extremely happy as I've waited for the 1st of September for a couple of weeks. I want school to start, but they've put if off a week. Instead of starting on the 10th, it starts on the 17th. Urgh.

I can't wait to go buy a pair of boots, to wear sweaters, to drink hot chocolate, to go outside and not melt!!

This summer has been full of events, but not all as I expected them to be. Now that autumn is here, I want to... stop being silly, get a hold of everything around me, find out what I want, learn, have fun. More importantly, be a bit happy and be me. Say what I really think. Lately, I've only been doing that with a couple of people, my mum and B. 

I wouldn't mind being able to wear my new pair of Nike in this weather, you know:

Photo taken a couple years back, on the way to the countryside.

I need to be busy. I need to stop thinking about useless crap. I need autumn, school. I need the leaves to turn orange and yellow and I need the warmth that comes along with the cold weather. I don't know how to explain it. It's like the heat is coming only from smiles, from your and your friends' hearts. Aya.

Night,

Allexa.

Reading.

Hei there.

As you can see, I'm back from the seaside. Even though I've been back for quite a while now, I didn't feel like posting. I've been busy with getting back in schedule, the english lessons and my relationship with my parents, which hasn't been at its best lately.

During my week away, I was able to finish "Otilia's riddle" and just a few minutes ago I also finished a short story from the very long reading list. I can say I did not expect its ending. Next, while reading "Ion" [ translated John in english ] I plan on reading Jane Eyre/Emma/David Copperfield. I have all three of them in English and I feel the need to learn new expressions and words. I can't stand the simplicity of romanian or of the posts on tumblr. I need some good english literature.

During my daily tumblr browsing, I found this particular quote that stood out:

“If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are. Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.”

-Robert Pattinson

It is long and it is not an old one or by a writer, but it is beautiful. Simply genius. Books are going to forever be the best thing.

I am going to put the high-school to do list Bianca, I and some friends made and I am going to keep striking the things that I did. I do hope to be able to do most of them. Also, "stay tuned" for the photos from Bulgaria. I didn't take many, but some of them are really funny.

Night,
Allexa.

Tumbling.

So basically...

Yeah, nope, I'm not doing that. But still, as I always do, I was tumbling and even if today I found as many inspirational pictures as I did yestarday, I feel the need to share them. They made my day better and maybe they'll also make yours.

Um, I guess that's it. For the past 3 years or so I've been constantly trying to be myself, no matter what everybody else does or says. If I am myself, I won't feel bad about a decision or about something that I've done, because I'll know that it was ME all along. I'd get mad at me for following someone else? Yeap. So be you. Because at the end of the day, that's  what you're left with.

Allexa.