Memories

Hey there.

It's been a while since I last took a look at my old blog, which I had on wordpress. It was funny to read, but it was also hard. All the memories and the past feelings that I had came crashing down on me and I could slowly feel my chest heavier, my lungs struggling to fill with air. It's strange. How everything changes so fast. How we don't notice it unless we look back, unless we glance at those times when we were kids and we were so... naive. And we were mean and karma hit us pretty badly and we learned what it was like to bleed and to turn our skin from porcelain, to ivory, to steel.

You look back and you realize than even though you've changed plenty and even though you don't miss who you were and how things used to be, you do miss it. And you do long for those days when you could be naive and stupid and rejoice in the process of growing up. Because although the process hurts, you can endure and deal with the consequences that don't last. But now that you're supposed to have grown up quite a bit, now that the consequences are more permanent and that friends matter, stupidity is no longer put up with, now that you should not be mean, but forgiving, how are you supposed to be naive? I do miss those times. But I don't miss them at all.

I am grateful to life for making me go through difficult situations, because now I can be more mature, while I can indulge and be retarded, stupid, free and reckless as well. Now I know how to hang with the people that I like, I know how not to lie and how not to speak badly. But the memories still give me chills. The speed at which time passes still frightens me. The fact that it could all be gone in a second makes me want to be able to make time stop. One summer. Over and over again. With the people that you care about. With your parents. With your whole family. Everyone sane. Everyone healthy. Everyone alive and together. Travelling. Staying still. Enjoying living. Why can't that happen? I'd enjoy not crying. I'd enjoy not remembering and dreading the memory of last year, of today, of tomorrow and of the summer that is knocking at our doors.

I'd give anything for time to freeze, for us to be stuck right in this moment, for us to never move from each other's side. That's where I'd like to stay. By their side. Seizing the days and laughing. Laughing until we can't breathe. Just that. I'd be happy with just that.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.” 
― Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

Allexa.

Vanilla sky

Hey there! 

It was more than a week ago that I watched this movie. I was studying for this big, important for me, but not relly important itself English competiton and I decided to take a break and watch a movie that my friends had been telling me about for half a year. 

I started with no expectations and I ended up being very confused near the end, but in the last 10 minutes, everything explained itself, and it was great. It was a mindfuck, really, but I didn't mind. I was patiently enjoying everything, waiting for the moment when the story would tell me how to fill the gaps and I would understand everything. And I did. And it was wonderful, because the movie gave me hope and at the same time it crushed me. 

When you lose the one thing that's most important to you, how do you keep going on? How can you face the people that are important to you? You're ashamed, but you face them anyway and then you try to change back. To be honest, that's really of no use, because changing back is not an option. You have to move forward. But what if you're not prepared yet? Well then you go and do something stupid that teaches you the lesson. And you lose everything once more, but then it doesn't matter, because you're ready to build a new life, aren't you? Changes .. Life. You can do it all  if you want to.

“My dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams I’m an idiot… who knows he’s about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep. But I can’t. I try to tell myself what to dream. I try to dream that I am flying. Something free. It never works…”

I will not say more, because this really isn't the movie that someone should spoil. So just watch it and be awed. It's a greater mindfuck than The Uninvited. And if the most critical friend of mine says it's the greatest movie he's ever seen, the movie he watches over and over again, then it really must be a masterpiece. 

And it truly is.

Love, 

Allexa.

Random inspiration.

Hey!!

I don't know what I'm doing wight now because this is a scheduled post, but as it is Tuesday, I may be doing my maths homework or proscrastinating in bed, who knows. I just wanted to stop by and show you these amazing photos/quotes I found on tumblr a few days ago.

 

 

Try to smile, okay? It will get better. I know it will.

Allexa.

The perks of being a wallflower.

Dear Friend,

I have finally found something worth sharing. Today, after crying a lot because of what my grandfather thinks of me, after being cheered up by my mother and father and after talking normally with my brother, I tried to calm down. I stayed there and thought. I should do something. I should just do something. And I watched Lost again. And I talked to B and to Larisa. And to Freund to, even if lately we've been kind of distant to each other. B's not really talking as she's watching HIMYM. I started looking. I saw it. 

For the past week I have had this tab opened. It says "Things to be happy about". I don't know why, but it reminded me about The perks of being a wallflower. So I started browsing, and I ended up on this site where I download all my movies from. And I started typing, and I hit "Search" and there it is. The movie everyone'd been talking about. So I downloaded it. And I started watching it. At first, it didn't seem like it was anything special. Just one of those new movies, about the life of some messed-up teenagers. It was, but it was also so much more. I can't even explain it. Every quote, every action sinks in. At the end of the movie, just after the last scene and last word is being said, you get this high. 

I don't know how to describe it. You are infinite. You feel like you can do anything. You feel like it's all worth it. Like there's someone out there for you. There's a place. It gets better. It's not all worthless. It's life. Life can be awesome. You feel all those things and you listen to the soundtrack. You play it again and again in your head. It could be you. It is you. And it gets better.

But the feelings starts fading away, like any feeling given by a book or movie. It slowly starts disappearing, but you don't want it to. 'Cause you liked having the sense of being able to touch the sky.  I don't want that to go away. Not now, when I need it. I need something to hold on to. I will also read the book and then I will seek the feeling in everything surrounding me.

I want to live. I want to be able to look back and tell myself that I did the right things at the time. I want to be the adult in some situations and I want to be the kid in others. I want to be able to allow myself to be the kid.

And I want to love, without regrets. I want to be honest about my feelings. I will speak my thoughts when I feel like they are needed and I will let the silence speak for me when the words are needed no more. And I will try to do what's best for the ones that I care about. And I will try to make them feel better. I will try to make the sadness go away. Just for a second, a minute, a moment. I want everyone to feel in a moment that they are completely happy.

Enough said and enough with the image spoilers. I am telling you this now. You need to watch this movie. You might not be as impressed as I am, but you will surely like it!. 

The moments come all by surprise and we must try to move along.

Just for one day.

Keep trying. Keep hoping. Keep doing things.

Night,

Allexa.

Sweet sixteen.

Hey there.

They say you don't realise when you change, when you grow up, when everything you have know and you have been is diffrent. And it's true. I am now 16 and I am as diffrent as I can be from a year ago, but I didn't realise it. On the 2nd of December I told myself that that was my last day at 15. I wanted to make it memorable, but I thought of no way of doing so. Why try to live more one day that any other day? So on the 3rd of December, the next day, I wanted to be happy. I wanted to try to not let anything upset me and even though there still were things I didn't like, I felt a little bit better.

A second, a day, a week, a month or a year older, I still want the same things. And I am willing to do better, I am willing to try in order to feel happy. I want to block out the things that don't matter, to focus ont he reality, on its good part and on how I can improve the bad part. I want to enjoy it, even though some days I have little to be pleased about. Crying is a part of life to and if I can't go on anymore, I'll sit down and cry. And then I'll get back up and try. Cause if I stop trying what's left?

This beautiful [ hopefully ] year ahead of me, I want to travel, I want to meet new people and talk talk talk. I want to be close with my family and I want to be a better friend because I realise that sometimes I am not. I want to draw, to write, to learn. I want to laugh, to have fun. I want to have the superfficial happiness of the age. And I want to be a better version of myself.

Please try to make every year matter, every moment. You won't get it back. Even if you're miserable, there are still things that make you a bit happy, like music, books, tea, oranges, hot-chocolate and sweaters, snow. Try to focus on those until life gives you a bigger reason and you to yourself.

I am going to go with a few so-called friends to a small party on Saturday. I have faith that it will be okay and that I will enjoy myself. Also, last Saturday, I my auncle and aunt came by the house and we celebrated my b-day in the family.

On your birthday try to be happy. You don't need to do crazy things, you just need to be with your close ones and try to smile from your heart.

See you,
Allexa.

Oh love

Hey.

I've got a lot of homework for tomorrow, but I have to spend some time for myself. I decided to spend that time thinking about love. What a great thing, right? For the past month I have spent my nights, my spare time and every free second of every single day analizing this thing called love, analizing why relationships sometimes don't work out and even though the answers came easily and they were simple, it was not that easy for me to accept them or be okay with them.

Being stuck on something is no good. Being the only one missing and caring is not, but neither is to pretend to care or to care for the wrong reasons. You have to move on, to leave it behind you. It was something you wanted at some point and it didn't work out for various reasons, but you just have to understand those reasons and to try to change some things about yourself if the case. Don't work yourself up. Just make it simple, ease your heart and let go.

I realised last night that I can just wake up one day and not feel the need to stare again. Today, I almost did. I didn't really feel it anymore. And that felt so good, you can't even imagine. Letting go means being able to focus only on yourself. And today I could. And I realised that I had some issues too, such as being a bit too jealous, thing I'm trying to work on. I've also learned that i felt that way only because I usually lack confidence in myself. So I need to work on that to and be open to the future.

The future holds so much. One day, you just might meet someone special and your heart might just bump really hard because of the happiness. And you'll feel scared. And that person is going to change everything you knew about life. And everything is going to make sense for once. And you'll get scared, but you'll know you have known love. At this age, my opinion is that you can't feel love. You can only care deeply for someone. We're still changing and growing up, so you can't talk about accepting someone withh all their flaws, you can't talk about loving those flaws and staying beside them forever and always.

Love can only come when you are the most you you can be. But that love is so sweet I like to believe.

And because music is like breathing, here's this post's inspiration:

"Oh Love, oh love
Won't you rain on me tonight?
Oh life, oh life
Please don't pass me by
Don't stop, don't stop
Don't stop when the red lights flash
Oh ride, free ride
Won't you take me close to you"

" 'Cause you're such a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty face
But you turned into a pretty big waste of my time"

And yes, I have been infected with Sleeping with Sirens. I love their lyrics and I love their music. You should listen. Now I'm off to doing my homework and whatever I need to do for tomorrow. I have a week full of tests ahead of me.

See you,
Allexa.

Everything comes to an end.

Hey.

Today I have finally finished One Tree Hill, a TV series with 9 seasons, the last one with only 13 episodes. Although I had seen parts of the last episode a few weeks back, today, when I understood everything for the first time, I actually cried. Everything comes to an end, even this.

Even though I saw this tv series in quite a tiny amount of time, I've seen the characters go from being high-schoolers, like me, to being adults. From partying, having reckless sex, being mean, not knowing who they are and what they are going to do, to being responsible, loving parents, to being honest, brave, fun, creative, to being people you are proud to call friends, family.

“Wanna play truth or dare? Actually, no let’s just play dare, nobody tells the truth anymore.”

- Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill

“You ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other people’s lives have we been in? Were we a part of someone’s life, or when their dream came true, or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think. You could be a big part of someone else’s life and not even know it.”

- Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill

“You know, it’s been said that we just don’t recognize the significant moments of our lives while they’re happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it’s usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you’ve realized how wrong you’ve been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it. Life is funny sometimes. It can push pretty hard. But if you look close enough, you can find hope in the words of children, in the bars of the song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you’re lucky, I mean, if you’re the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.”

- One Tree Hill quotes ~ 3x20 - “Everyday is a Sunday Evening”

It wouldn't be a mistake if you watched this series. It would be the best choice ever. No vampires, no witches. Just life. Just people. Like us. There's a Brooke, a Peyton, a Nate, a Haley and a Lucas in all of us. Also, there are a lot of life lessons, but not boringly presented. They are fun. You can learn a lot and you can laugh and you can cry. One Tree Hill is a great experience.

And it has a great soundtrack !! [ both old and new music, as Peyton and Haley love music, Haley being a musician later on ]

These are the last lines:

"It's the oldest story in the world: one day you're seventeen & planning for someday. & then quietly - & without you ever really noticing - someday is today. & then someday is yesterday. & this is your life...We spend so much time wanting... pursuing... wishing... But ambition is good. Chasing things with integrity is good. Dreaming...
If you had a friend you knew you'd never see again, what would you say? If you could do one last thing for someone you love, what would it be? Say it... do it... don't wait. Nothing lasts forever...
Make a wish & place it in your heart. Anything you want. Everything you want.
Do you have it? Good. Now believe that it come true.
You never know where the next miracle is going to come from... the next memory... the next smile... the next wish come true...
But if you believe that it's right around the corner, & you open your heart & mind to the possibility of it - to the certainty of it - you might just get the thing you're wishing for.
The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it.So make a wish. Do you have it? Good.
Now believe in it... with all your heart." 

I absolutely love it.

Night,
Allexa.

Stop complaining and start doing.

Hey there youuus.

I am feeling determined and a little bit happy. This past week I've learned lots, obtained great marks alongside B and also learned lots about life from our English tutor, Bogdan. From only one sentence, which was said hurriedly, I got to understand the way we are supposed to cope with everything, the way we are supposed to live life at its fullest.

"Stop complaining and start doing." he said. I believe that he is not the only one who ever said this, but he's the one that made me hear it by not giving any emotional involvement to it. He had heard us complain about so much things that he got tired of it and gave us a simple advice. You should stop complaining about how things are. Complaining is not going to improve anything, it's only going to harm you emotionally, to make you morose, to make you feel hopeless. You should do. Do things. Attend courses, do stupid things with your so-called friends, love the best you can, be kind to those who deserve it, learn, learn, learn, because this life is so short and we only breathe for so long.

The pain is not going to make it better. Trying again and maybe, just maybe succeding will. The  'what-if's will do no good, but the answers will.

You can't really do something right if you don't believe you can. Believe something will come true and it will. Work hard for it and you will see it before your eyes or feel it with your heart.

Saying " I'm fine " to those who don't matter is okay. Not everyone needs to know how you actually feel, but there are some people you can trust, there are people whose help you can ask for. Do it.

Positivity. Don't let people tell you that you can't.

Don't worry and don't think too much. Eventually, everything will be solved and the too much thinking will only create a problem that wasn't there in the first place.

But that doesn't mean what you had with the person wasn't real. It was real. At the time, the people you were then were suited for each other. Change is constant. You should not feel bad about it. Be happy you had something important at some point. Some don't get even that.

From time to time, we have to take a break to enjoy life. Stress keeps us from noticing the raw beauty of the world. You should also also travel. Read the whole book, don't get stuck on only one page.

And that pretty much says it all.

Life is to be lived. Life is to do things, as many things as you can. Write a book about your life, do skinny dipping, travel the world, meet the love of your life, tell people how you really feel, do the things you love, such as drawing or photography. And keep your family close. At the end of the day, they're going to be the ones standing beside you and they are going to be willing to take the fall for you.

I don't know how much of that advice I'm going to take, but I want to try. I want not to fight with my parents and my brother anymore and I don't want to hold useless grudges against people.

I am willing to try and live. Are you?

-Allexa.

Fear.

Hei you guys.

The last couple of weeks have been hard for me, from different reasons. One is school, as I have been either afraid to start studying for something or afarid to screw it all up, afraid of not being good enough. The second reason is the fact that I either stare too much or run. I have to start being okay with it. I have to start living in the present. And I have started to feel better, but I am afraid.

This fear is like the fear of heights... or the fear of being alone, the fear of what's out there, because in reality, us humans are so tiny. All kinds of fear.

And this is how i feel when I am scared, like crashing something.

Also, two episodes of The Vampire Diaries have already aired and the Delena moments are flawless, as is the soundtrack. This plays while Elena drink blood from Damon:

I've been listening to it the whole day.

"Just don't tell Stefan."
"Why?"
"Because blod sharing is kind of... personal."

-Allexa.

D'amour ou d'amitié

Hei there.

Today I felt like listening to some old good music, even in french. I love Celine Dion, so I listened to some of her french songs. I'll show you the others as my mood suits them. For now, D'amour ou d'amitié suits it perfectly. Can "amour" turn into"amitié"? I really hope so. I need it right now, 'cause I still care. I hate drama. I'd really like a full course of boredom. Boredom today, tomorrow and the day after that. Also, school. So I can see people everyday without asking to, without meaning to, but wanting to.

"Je crois pourtant qu'il est seul et qu'il voit d'autres filles
Je ne sais pas ce qu'elles veulent ni les phrases qu'il dit
Je ne sais pas ou je suis quelque part dans sa vie
Si je compte aujourd'hui plus qu'une autre pour lui"

...translated as...

"I believe however that he's alone and that he hangs out with other girls 
I don't know what they want nor the sentences he says 
I don't know where I am somewhere in his life 
If I count more than the others for him today"

Off to bed. Night,

Allexa.

Change. Happiness.

Hei.

I don't really know what to say, to be honest. I feel... shitty, as usual, but this time I want to focus on why it is so important for me to see past all the fuck-ups and try to be happy.

Yesterday I hung out with a friend of mine [ we used to be together, to be more specific ] and as I was about to go, I asked him if he was okay. He avoided answering my question, asking me back if I thought that there was something wrong with him. That moment I got a little angry and I replied that I only wanted to know if he was fine, if he was ... happy. He said he was, but the second after he said that, he added: ''Nobody is happy.'' and I was close to tears. I told him it was true, but at least I was trying to be happy and he said I actually wasn't. [ as a side comment to why I was there with him, once again ] It was true. I said that to him. But I also said that I was trying to look past all the sad stuff, because if you don't try, then what's the point of it all? Or everything. What is it? We'd just be sad all the time. I don't want that for me. 

To that, he said it's better to show it, to be true to yourself and to the world and just show it. That way, you'll know who are your friends. I agreed with that. I just agreed, but I didn't utter a word more. I know now that no matter what happened between us, we're still friends and we will always be. He's the only one that when I call and I say I need him, he's there. No questions. He just comes. And I love that. People describe him as disfunctional, but I am disfunctional too. We're kind of perfect for eachother.

[he always says I am crazy, but he stands by my side anyway]

But what does this have to do with the term of change? It is a cliche, but it is one because it is true. Second by second, minute by minute, day by day, nothing seems to change. Not a thing. We just keep going, hoping for the best, expecting the worst, trying to find ourselves or just losing who we are. And when we stop and look back at how it all used to be, we realise everything's changed.

Me? I can't stand it. When I look back, I cry, because I miss how easy it all used to be, but also because I don't miss it at all and I am amazingly happy that I am past it. I really don't know. I like to believe that life is about trying to be happy, about being happy and I want to smile. I want to find reasons to smile and if I am not smart enough to find them, I want to get angry, angry at life and stand up with my head held high.

The only constant thing in my life has been change and it still is. But what if not all change is good? What if some things have to stay the same? Like... the small things? Those I like the best. The small things. A smile, a look, a touch, a laugh, a glance, a fight, a punch. Those things make it all seem real, not boring, but full of life.

I keep bouncing between change and happiness, but those two themes are in my head right now and I can't shake them off. For me, they are forever holding hands, because I get bored easily. It's like... Starting a fire and letting it burn byt itself. At some point, it's going to stop burning if you don't keep adding wood or things to help it burn. Change. That's it. Everything changes, but the change makes it bearable. By changing things, I get happy. Even for a second, a minute, an hour. I can't be happy more than that, but for those moments I live. You can blame all you want, you can disagree with me, but I frankly don't think I care. :/

Don't you get bored if you don't experience change?

But then again, you look at a photograph and you start to appreciate the fact that some human being invented it, because it never changes, even when the people in it do.

I love change. I have change.It depends on what it affects.

Please tell me you also get bored easily, please tell that you need to add wood to the fire every once in a while to keep it burning, tell me you love its flame. Tell me I'm not the only one.

Allexa.

Skins UK

Hi there.

At the begining of this week I finished watching the fourth season of the tv series Skins UK. Even though there are yet two more seasons, I can't watch them. If you don't know what the show is about, let me tell you on short. Every two seasons have as the center of action a college generation. It's all about their lives, how they overcome their problems, how they learn to love or what drugs can do to you [ farmaceuticals as well as things life spliff ].

The first generation is a little bit strange, to say so. At least that's how I see them. I don't really like the way they live or the fact that they are stoned most of the time, but I got addicted to the episodes. I just had to know what was going to happen to them next.

The second generation was.... utterly amazing. What I loved most about all of it is that they show all of us how hard you can fall in love with someone, that it doesn't matter what gender the person is, that you can get really hurt, that you can be really scared of how strong your feelings are. I am not going to say more, because I really wish all of you to watch it. It made me cry so many times.

Spoilers or not, here are some gifs/photos with the second generation [ mostly Effy and Freddie,may I add ]:

 

Okay, this is an overdose of Skins, but these are just amazing, I'm telling you. So I'm not sorry for sharing.

 

Maybe it's a bit much, but bear with me for a little more. Ayayaya.

Their love left me speachless after the last episode. You should definetely watch.

And now I am off to bed, even though today I've already slept like... 4-5 hours or so. I'm a sleep addict.

Night,

Allexa.